The Pantaloon : Southern Queens : Brother Wagwit

The Pantaloon
Edited by Brother Wagwit
Earlyish in the 21st Century

Southern Queens

As in major sports, political systems also have feeder leagues, with their own regional quirks and isms.

In the USA, one political feeder league stands out for its peculiarities: The South, the cultural South, stretching from the Thirteen Colonies Cultural South to the Mexican War Cultural South, where long-standing traditions of religious conservatism are the norm. If one looks close and deep, this extensive enclave reveals a particular set of aptitudes needed to gain access to the selection process for political leadership.

All politics are dramatic performances, but in the cultural South politicians tend to an exalted degree of flair and gusto in their theatrics and grandiloquence.

In Southern polite society, pieties and manners are opportunity enhancers. Moral and ethical transgressions are fine, as long as they are cloaked in proper form. Public sexual transgressions on the other hand, and to be specific, homosexual transgressions are widely considered taboo –especially out in the open.

So a closeted queen with a yen for upward mobility has only a few professional paths to follow. Hairdresser is one, obviously. Nursing and caregiving are two more. The arts, well duh… yes, especially The Theatre. Religion is a fairly common choice. But for the truly ambitious there is politics. And wouldn’t you know, the flamier you are the better your public performance tends to be. But as in religion, if a closeted queen wants to succeed in Southern politics, the main requirements are keeping a good handle on the closet door and a talent for impassioned, fiery speeches defending the constitution, religion and traditional family values –white folks at the top and the rest in acceptable downward tiers.

To cement the deal, a family is a must. A fake family, really. Typically this is an arranged marriage in which the bride may or may not be privy to her hubby’s proclivities. Pre-nups tend to be generous.

Hair is important. Big coiffed hair is best. Old-timey facial hair, salt and pepper beard, sideburns and handlebar mustache, well groomed, are excellent runner-up options. If you’re Thirteen Colonies Southern, tailored suits and polished shoes are de-riguer, as is exquisite diction, a skilled intellect and a patrician drawl. If you’re Mexican War Southern, a sports coat, jeans and cowboy boots are a good choice, and it’s fine to say the darnedest things as long as they include tax breaks, drilling rights, and no federal oversight –a federal government livelihood notwithstanding.

Finally, the welcome mat roles out upon memorizing the 1rst, 2nd and 5th Ammendments. Job security is contingent on sticking to these while in office.

A summary glance at the roster of fine alums sent to higher office confirms that the feeder league of Southern Closeted Queens indeed turns out adept political leadership. It would be nice if at some point, when they get a break from defending God, the Constitution, Family and Personal Freedoms, maybe they’d be kind enough to clarify all the hypocrisies.

Out and about is what not to flout.